How five simple practices helped me discover my own leadership style—without a title, a promotion, or a manual.
A mark that won’t fade
Think of someone.
Someone from your past or present who changed how you see things. Who inspired you to act differently, not because they forced you, but because you wanted to. Someone whose influence is still present, like a mark that won’t fade.
Who do you think of?
Maybe it’s a boss, a mentor, team leader, or manager. Or perhaps it’s a peer—a teammate without any hierarchy between you.
But this question extends beyond work…
That’s why you might be thinking of someone closer. A friend or family member. Someone who made a unique impact on your life.
What do those people all share?
Each one, in their own way, is leading you.
Leadership
The best definition of leadership I’ve found comes from Balaji Krishnamurthy. Few phrases capture its essence so clearly.
Balaji says:
“Leaders influence others to think, act, and behave differently than they would have if that leader had not been present.”
He uses the word influence. I prefer inspire — not because it’s softer, but because it captures something essential: the idea that people change not out of pressure, but out of desire.
Not “force.” Not “compel.” Inspire.
David Foster Wallace once wrote that “inspire” sounds clichéd these days. But when you’re in front of a true leader, there’s nothing clichéd about them.
Quite the opposite.
They have an unmistakable magnetism. A pull that makes you want to do things you’d never attempt on your own. Things you know deep down are good for you, things you should be doing but aren’t—until you get close to them.
Until you enter their orbit…
This definition also clarifies why leadership goes beyond titles.
A title gives you authority to demand or command, but not the ability to inspire. A boss isn’t memorable for being a boss, just as a parent isn’t memorable simply for having children. That’s why you might be thinking of peers, friends, or family. They do things that transcend hierarchy—things within everyone’s reach.
Now… imagine achieving that effect on others.
That when someone thinks of a person who changed their life, who left a lasting mark, instantly…
…they think of you.
How would that feel?
Awakening
In 2018, I faced a new challenge at WyeWorks.
After working alone for a new client for a few weeks, two developers joined the team. They were younger and had been with the company only three months.
Until then, I had worked with more experienced developers I could watch and learn from. People I could rely on. Now suddenly, I was the experienced one. Naturally, I expected my new teammates to observe me for cues on how things worked.
For the first time, I felt a sense of responsibility for leading.
For creating an environment that inspired growth, where people dared to experiment and take risks, and where the goal wasn’t minimizing mistakes but maximizing learning.
An environment that would leave a positive mark, not one they would want to forget.
But I had one significant question:
How do you lead?
That question became an obsession.
Until then, I had never finished even half a book. Suddenly, I devoured them like water in the desert. I watched hours of Simon Sinek talks like someone binging Netflix.
I was fully committed to leadership.
I tested everything I learned on the project, measuring theories against reality. Gradually, I built a mental framework of what leadership means.
Today I want to share five of the most important pieces I discovered. Five practices that changed everything for me—and they don’t require any title. You can apply them anywhere: at work, with friends, with family.
These practices awakened the leader within me.
1. Tame The Beast
We all carry something inside.
Something that wakes up when things go wrong—when we’re nervous or frustrated.Something that makes us do things we’d never do in our right mind.
That’s The Beast—a darker version of ourselves trying to hijack our actions with emotion.
You can spot the exact moment someone gets possessed by The Beast. Just drive through rush hour traffic to see what I mean.
But The Beast doesn’t just attack others. It attacks from within. It attacks from within—quietly, like a chatter that undermines our own performance.
I became aware of The Beast at work when project situations frustrated me. I’d respond with irritation and complain constantly. When I realized this negativity wasn’t just hurting me—it was spreading to my teammates—I knew I had to act.
If I wanted to be a positive influence, I had to learn to tame The Beast.
I’ve learned some techniques over the years. Many factors play a role, such as fatigue, preparation, personality, and temperament. One that works for me is deep breathing combined with mental reframing.
Picture this: you’re driving through a green light when someone runs a red. You barely avoid a crash. Instantly, The Beast wakes up. If you let it, you’ll scream at that driver.
What works for me is to take a slow, deep breath to settle down, then create a different story about what happened. Like reading The Beast a bedtime story to put it back to sleep.
When you know exactly what happened and what the other person intended, this isn’t easy. But with the car scenario, you know nothing about that driver or what led them to act that way.
What makes you sure it was pure malice? Maybe they had a terrible night’s sleep and are late to a job where being two minutes late has consequences. Maybe their best friend died two days ago and they’re distracted by grief.
You’ll never know the real story. So why not choose one that helps you move forward?
Get to know The Beast.
Notice when it likes to appear and when it’s about to attack.
With awareness, deep breathing, and reframing, you can start to manage it.
2. Show vulnerability
One of the first books I read while searching for answers was Leaders Eat Last by Simon Sinek . There I found a concept that stuck with me: the Circle of Safety.
Here’s how he describes it in essence:
“The outside world is full of dangers that can kill us. In caveman times, there were predators, storms, and starvation.
In modern organizations, there are economic crises, competition, and outdated technology.
Those external dangers are constant and beyond our control.
Internal dangers are variable. It’s a leader’s job to “draw” a Circle of Safety around their people, essentially saying:
‘If I keep you safe internally and you don’t fear danger within the group, you’re more likely to work together, trust each other, and collaborate against external threats.‘”
This raises the question…
How do you “draw” a Circle of Safety?
One practice that works is the vulnerability loop. It’s straightforward.
Daniel Coyle describes it in The Culture Code.
Five steps:
- Person A sends a vulnerability signal.
- Person B detects it.
- Person B responds with their own vulnerability.
- Person A notices it.
- A norm forms, and closeness and trust increase.
These steps underlie exchanges such as:
Person A: “I’m completely lost. Can someone help me?”
Person B: “Don’t worry. I didn’t understand anything when I started.”
(Closeness and trust grow)
In some contexts, these phrases are difficult to say. If the Circle of Safety around us is strong, we’ll find the courage. Otherwise, why take the chance of admitting ignorance or mistakes if it might lead to mockery or punishment?
“People think about vulnerability sentimentally, but that’s not what’s happening. It’s about sending a clear signal that you have weaknesses and might need help. If that behavior becomes a model for others, you can set insecurities aside and get to work, trust each other, help each other. If you never have that vulnerable moment, people hide their weaknesses, and every small task becomes a place where insecurities show up.” — Daniel Coyle
As people grasp this dynamic, the practice spreads. The Circle of Safety expands like ripples on water. A circle that includes everyone—newcomers and veterans alike—signals a strong, united organization.
Sometimes I start the loop. But being person B is equally important…
Staying alert to others’ signals and responding so the loop completes. If you stay aware, these opportunities appear constantly—not just at work, but with family and friends as well.
3. Respond with questions
When the project started, my teammates constantly came to me with questions. Understandably—I had been at the company for years, worked on multiple projects, and started with this client before them.
And I… always responded.
Answering feels good. That moment when you hear the question, and you’re already anticipating your chance to showcase your expertise. An ego boost. A small victory for The Beast, who loves having the answer and making sure everyone knows it.
But eventually, something troubled me.
I thought: If I answer every question they bring me, is that beneficial for them?
Sure, short term? Problem solved. But what’s the effect long term?
How confident will they feel solving problems independently?
That’s when I discovered The Coaching Habit by Michael Bungay Stanier, the book that started my obsession with questions. I realized every question they asked was a growth opportunity. And for that opportunity to exist, I had to do something challenging…
Resist answering.
I had to change my approach. Instead of going into expert mode and dispensing advice, I had to respond with questions.
“Rodri, we need to implement this. How should we proceed?”
“Hmm… what would you do?”
“What would you do?” A simple question like that gives them space to engage with the problem, to realize they’re closer to solving it than they thought, and to gain confidence trying it themselves over time.
Compare the confidence you gain after persistently tackling a programming problem until you solve it with the feeling of an instant ChatGPT answer. Two different kinds of learning.
One leaves a mark.
The key is catching yourself before activating expert mode (spotting The Beast). That automatic impulse to say “here’s how it’s done.” Instead, returning a question.
At first, it’s hard. It requires controlling your emotions. That pause where you choose not to shine is an act of leadership. But like any new habit, it gets easier.
Over time, you also learn that not every question deserves a question back. Some moments call for direct answers. And learning to tell the difference is part of the process.
4. Look for the donut
Earlier, I mentioned getting trapped in a cycle of negativity at work.
I’d convinced myself the client was against us. Their requests made no sense. I constantly complained and responded with annoyance.
The Beast had me.
But thanks to Sebastian Martinez’s thoughtful questions, I became aware of the cycle. I had to find a way out.
Oscar Wilde said:
“The optimist sees the donut, the pessimist sees the hole.”
I was seeing holes everywhere. Pure pessimism.
To escape, I had to answer one question:
Where is it?
- When the hole is: “A month in and still no project assignment,” the donut might be: “I can finally take that course I never have time for.”
- When the hole is: “All I do is write documentation,” the donut might be: “I’m improving my writing skills.”
You have to get creative and do some mental reframing. But you won’t always find it.
That’s fine…
Notice this practice is “Look for the donut,” not “Find the donut.” The search matters most. That daily habit of discovering positives in every situation, opportunities in chaos.
The more you practice, the more you find. You become an optimist and suddenly, donuts appear everywhere.
One question that can help is:
How can I show up in this moment so that, a year from now, I’m grateful it happened this way?
When I finally broke out of that negativity cycle, I realized something: I had a rare opportunity to learn how to regulate my emotions — with guaranteed daily practice in the form of a client who brought out my worst.
And there it was! The donut…
The chance to learn to tame The Beast.
5. Start with Why
At some point in my career, I started having ideas for improvements: teamwork, product, processes. This was largely from my new reading habit. When I read books connected to what I’m experiencing, I want to test those ideas.
But I needed help communicating my vision so others could recognize its value.
Enter Simon Sinek again.
This time, it’s not a book. It’s a TED talk explaining a simple communication pattern that remarkable leaders seem to share.
Sinek says memorable leaders and organizations start with why. They don’t focus first on what they do or how, but why. This creates an emotional connection. It helps people see how your idea aligns with their own values and beliefs.
So I started applying this to each proposal.
What was:
“Should we make these meetings shorter this week? They are running long.”
Became:
“This upcoming delivery seems critical to the client, which means our work right now could make a difference. If we trim meeting time, we’d have more hours for development and could ensure we deliver quality work. What do you think about shortening them this week?”
The more I engaged in this practice, the more I thought about the reasons behind my decisions. It forced me to question whether what we were doing made sense, whether what I was building needed building, whether what I was proposing had value.
And it worked.
The Essence of Leadership
Who did you think of at the start? Bring them back to mind.
Think about how they acted, how they interacted with you, and how they communicated.
Do you recognize any of the five practices?
I can see two or three distinctly in some people who come to mind. In others, none at all.
In fact, the opposite: people who unleashed their Beast, communicated poorly, never showed vulnerability—and still inspired me.
What does that indicate?
What’s the actual value of these practices?
In Mastery, Robert Greene wrote something that helped me see the centerpiece of the leadership puzzle that all these people share.
Greene said each of us is unique…
A one-of-one limited edition. Our DNA has a configuration that’s never existed before and never will again. No one else was born at the same moment, to the same parents, with the same temperament and personality. That’s our source of power. Wasting it is the worst thing we can do.
According to Greene, the challenge is discovering what makes you unique—what makes you you—and maximizing it, expressing it fully and building a career and life around it.
This makes me think we all have a leader within.
A leader unique in the world, with a style rooted in who we are, our values, our interests. A style not documented in leadership books.
And it’s up to us to awaken it, get to know it, and learn to shape it.
The five practices helped me achieve that.
They’re habits that let me express my values and personality in my leadership. I am calm, curious, question-driven, and conflict-averse. That’s where taming The Beast, asking questions, and building Circles of Safety matter.
Maybe they’ll work as your starting point, or as reference points for discovering your own practices. Your own puzzle pieces for leading in your unique way.
That’s the key…
That’s what all those people we’re thinking of share.
Their essence, fully expressed—that’s what captivates us. Colleagues, family, friends who knew how to be completely themselves.
And we admire them for who they are…
Because we know no one else can be like them.
— Rodrigo
Clarity & Leadership at WyeWorks
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